I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
