WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I have aggressive nipples.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize