Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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