Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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