I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
