Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
