put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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