I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
