I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
