What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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