You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
