Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize