I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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