don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
