I feel like abortions should bother me more
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Dear god my vagina.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
