Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I need to calm my uterus...
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
