i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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