my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You need Xanax blowdarts
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
