So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
