I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
