It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
