atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
