I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
