She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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