im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
