The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
