Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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