fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
