I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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