My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
