Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize