I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
