If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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