Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
