How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
