like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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