I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
