I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
