If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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