Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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