Sry I called you an 8
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize