Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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