Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
