She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
