I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
