Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
