wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Four minutes until I can fart!
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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