Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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