Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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