if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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