We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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