My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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