Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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