Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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