Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
