I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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