i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
