Im at strip club and am horny
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
