I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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