Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize