I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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